i wanna go hoooommmee!!!

once upon a time, i was a very small child. my step-gma always took us to the museum or fancy restaurants bc she didn't think our family was classy enough. on this particular occasion, we went to the ballet to see the nutracker. it was a very fancy occasion: i had to wear a red velvet dress with ruffles and velvet bows in my hair. hell, my mom even made me brush my hair. so we went to the ballet, and my mom to this day cites this as the one day she thought i was the most horrible child ever. i have the attention span of a gnat, so a long ballet with no speaking or anything was boring as hell to me.

so obviously, i was looking for something to play with. my grandmother attempted (in vain) to hold my attention by letting me use her opera glasses to see the ballet. mind you, these were like super expensive marble coated opera glasses (why you give these to a small child, i have no idea). so i begin to play with them bc they are odd. and then i drop them on the ground. oops!!

so of course, my mother is humiliated. after the ballet, we went to this fancy dinner on the top floor of the steel building in pittsburgh (used to be a REAL fancy restaurant). at this point, i screamed and cried through the entire dinner, wailing, "I'M SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!!"

as an adult, there are several situations when i want to continue to act like this:

#1: showers

not delightful warm water pouring down my back showers...no no, a real shower is potentially one of my FAVORITE things of all time. no no, i mean baby showers and bridal showers. while i love my friends and wish to support them in these great new things happening in their lives, the sheer amount of estrogen in the room is enough to suffocate a bear. plus, you never know what you're getting into. a shower could be something as prim and proper as a tea party, as laid back as a brunch, or as outlandish as a bar-crawl. so you never know how much inappropriate humor ("what kind of underpants will you wear for wedding night??") will be accepted by the crowd. the new trend of co-ed showers: best idea ever!!! girls immediately stop clucking like hens when the testosterone steps into the room.

#2: fancy work lunches

the thing about these lunches isn't the etiquette for me. westminster and my mommy taught me well. it's more about who you are with. there's always someone acting way too proper for wherever you are (taking bites smaller than my cat and wearing a black tie). and then you've always got some idiot who wore jeans, has his napkin on the table, and has a baseball-sized bite of food in his mouth while he's telling a loud story. my thoughts are always: "i don't wanna act like that guy. but i don't wanna act like that guy either." it's just uncomfortable.

#3: listening to bad jokes from professors or pastors

at my school, professors often tell stories or jokes which are not funny. these jokes are so terrible, they should only be told by tom bergeron...

the awkward moment arrives when the rest of class is laughing like hyenas (specifically the hyena, ed, from the lion king), and i'm like...err, did i miss something? i want to use the words of rhea paulson in matilda: "stop being such an ignoramus."

as adults, we don't scream and cry for being uncomfortable. but hey, sometimes we want to. what are your experiences??