boy, she is a saucy mama.

this morning i had a lovely encounter at the bus stop with a man who wanted my phone number, and it got me thinking of some fantastic pick-up attempts that men have tried on me. it reminds me of anchorman when all the men try to hit on veronica corningstone:

"what can i say? i like the way you're put together."

"sex panther. they say that 60% of the time it works every time."

"that's the smell of desire, my lady."

"would you like to go to the pants party?"

"oh, it's such a deep burn. i don't know if you heard me counting, but i did over a thousand."

"how about just for tonight, we be co-people? you be a woman, and i'll be a man."

unfortunately, no man has played the jazz (yaz) flute for me...or tried to impress me by translating the city of Pittsburgh (as opposed to San Diego) as "a whale's vagina." however, i have a few good ones:

#1: "do you need any maintenance?"

once i was at the park with my youth when i worked in crafton. it was mid-summer and i was wearing like this flowy skirt...i mean, i was at work, so while i had a shin showing and i know how that tiny bit of skin showing on the ankle makes men go simply bonkers...

i was dressed pretty conservatively. there were these guys doing maintenance on the park right by where i was sitting. one of them came over, and without pretense, said, "i don't normally do this, but i was wondering if i could take you to dinner sometime." i was so startled i blurted out NO really abruptly. i probably could have been more polite. and he wasn't a terrible looking guy, but i think he was approximately 5 years younger than i was. anyway, it didn't work out.

#2: "trick or date."

once, there was this guy i knew, and he was a real shady creeper. i thought he was a friend but apparently not. so, we were in college. from day 1, he was creepily hitting on me. i was always nice to him bc we had so many mutual friends, but he had a permanent smell of bug spray and more grease in his hair than danny zuko:

and not nearly the looks!!

so over xmas break, he couldn't make it to this party, so he wanted to hang out another day, make sure we saw each other. i agreed to go to the cheapy theaters down the road from my house to see chronicles of narnia (mistake #1). i knew from the moment he arrived at the door this was going to be a bad idea. he was wearing a xmas sweater that would make even my grandmother cringe, cologne that rivaled sex panther in its "pungent aroma," and he had his hair parted down the middle, so it looked like a bum. never a good sign.

so, as we get into his car (mistake #2), he explains that he'd like to go the theater by his house instead bc he had some coupon or something. note: his house was an hour away from mine. i try everything in my persuasive power to break his will, but he is not budging. so we drive a whole hour to get there. at this point, it is 5pm, and i'm freaking starving. so i suggest mickey d's or something closeby. to which he says, "oh no, i have a place in mind."

i kid you not, it was kings. for those of you who may not know, kings is a terrible restaurant with bland food for old people. similar to bob evans? shoney's (if your from the carolinas)? anyway, it's completely repulsive. as we walk in, he explains that his grandfather or some crap used to know the owner of this kings. i had stopped actually listening by this point. so i had a crappy dinner, then we spent about a million dollars (or $12) on tickets for chronicles of narnia, which if you didn't know is absolutely the longest movie ever. and the whole time he's doing that thing guys do: he's got his hand on the arm rest, palm up. no one sits w/ their palms facing out unless they want to hold hands. and yet, we've all pulled this move bc we're trying to look "natural" just in case we get rejected. i believe i had every limb crossed that evening to prevent any unwanted touching. we then had to spend yet another hour in the car as he drove me back, during which he picked apart every man i knew. at the end of the night, he turned his car off in my driveway. meanwhile i was out of the car and into my house before you could say bobs-your-uncle, so i don't know if he stood there, lips puckered ready for a big sloppy wet one, or not, but i can only imagine how disappointed he must have looked.

he sent me roses on valentines day a mere 2 mos. later.

i will post more of these another time. in the meantime, what are your dating horror stories??