and let's be real, i definitely loved 2gether more than any other boy band. where was i going with this.....oh yes, so part of this parody was that in a boy band there are always 5 specific roles: the bad boy (the most unruly boy of the upper-middle class), the heart-throb (a dude w/ lots of gel in his hair), the shy one (too thick to put together a sentence for cameras, usually), the cute one (usually under 18 - the love of teenage girls and the discomfort of 20something year olds), and the older brother (everyone sort of wonders why this guy is even in the band...).
so after the reunion of my giant dysfunctional family at my cousin's baby shower this past weekend, i've become aware that these distinctions exist for families too:
the insulter
everyone's got a relative who doesn't hesitate to let you know that you've gained 5 pounds or that you're clearly a spinster at the age of 24 or how stale the cake tastes. it's pretty obvious that this person would rather be anywhere else than this particular family gathering. i think of aunt muriel from harry potter:
aunt muriel: ronald, you'd better get your hair cut, i thought you were ginerva for a second.
the unifier
you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose, and you definitely can't pick your family. some family members are bound to get on better than others. which is fine, it's just natural. in the same way, some will just always drive each other crazy. and unfortunately, some just fall out with one another. you know, aunt sally is still mad bc her sister jane put a whoopy cushion under her fat rear once. but there is always that family member (usually the one i would like to smack) that invites everyone to the event, that wants everyone to just get along...in short, this person is an idealistic person who has no idea the hell he/she is inflicting upon everyone else. i think of cam from modern family:
Cam: "Well, my white man name Tucker. i am 1/16 Cherokee. ready for daughter to sore like eagle."
the one who never grew up
clearly, my father. there's always an adult who still dresses like they are in high school, is adored by all the small children of the family (usually for their ferocious tickling), and is the life of any crap-tastic family gathering. usually this person just seems so cool all the time (and probably isn't very cool in real life). subcategories: class clown, successful jock gone to seed, etc. i think uncle rico on this one:
napolean: this is the worst video of all time.
kip: like anyone could even know that.
uncle rico: napolean (emphatic thumb-point), you can leave.
family who isn't really family
potentially, this only happens in redneck families like my own. we had this whole "family" in new york that i didn't find out actually wasn't our family until my aunt married one of them. which makes us sound real sophisticated like. but at any rate, everyone has that family member who's not blood related but has been attending family gatherings for your whole life. i think of sean hunter on boy meets world, specifically the episode when the matthews family almost adopts him.
feeeeny. fa fa fa feeeeeeny.
creeper
this can take many forms. an uncle who's touch lingers just a little too long. a cousin who really likes to take pictures when you're in your bathing suit. someone who makes that sexual innuendo that is followed by 3 solid minutes of crickets. that crazy aunt who shares just a bit too much about her personal life. that mom who hovers just a bit too much over her son's personal life (potentially a category of its own). i think of wallowitz's mom in big bang theory.
howard: hi. it's me. [pause] howard. just calling because my mom would like to know how many for the brisket on sunday. call me back. it's me. [pause] howard.
(come to think of it, howard is a creeper on his own)
that's all for now. what crazy relatives do you all have???
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