i freaking hate the easter bunny

okay. so confession. i absolutely hate santa claus, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. i think they should go back to imaginationland hell where they belong.

why? you may ask...you do not seem like a crazy fundamentalist, say-no-to-halloween, evil spirits, yada yada kind of person. in fact, you love harry potter, you not-so-secretly enjoy twilight, and you love sookie stackhouse with its sexy vampires and hot werewolves....what makes sandy claws and the easter rabbit so disgusting??

well there are a lot of reasons...

#1: they're super creepy.

when i was a little girl, our neighborhood wasn't always the safest. sure, we didn't live in the inner city, but there were a lot of drugs and cops and vandalism and burglaries on our street. so when my parents said that santa claus came in through the window (bc we didn't have a fireplace), you can understand why i thought he was a real creeper.

plus, up until this past christmas, i thought that the song "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" was about a secret affair someone's mom was having with santa. apparently, some people's dads dress like santa. anyway, up until i learned this, i thought several things about this: 1: my mother can do a hell of a lot better than santa's fat old gross-ness. 2: i don't really wanna sing about my mother having an affair with a creeper who sneaks into people's houses and probably has a cholesterol problem w/ all the cookies and milk he eats.

so the easter bunny is the same if not creepier. bc did anyone ever think of the easter bunny as a real bunny? i never did. that doesn't even make sense. how would it carry billions of baskets? it doesn't even have opposable thumbs. i always pictured the giant bunny from the mall, or some dude dressed up as a bunny. i even have picture books where bunnies are dressed and standing on 2 feet. 

and quite frankly, a human-sized rabbit is dead frightening. almost like the guinea pigs who try to take over the world when the peruvian pan-flute players are put into prison in that one episode of south park. can you imagine human sized rabbit turds? good grief...

#2: they send some convoluted messages to children about morals.

don't get me wrong, i'm all for positive reinforcement for good behavior...even negative reinforcement for bad behavior, done well. but...really, does anyone know someone who only got coal for Christmas? one time my dad put coal in our stockings, in the very bottom, but we also got candy and toys and stuff. i also knew some real brats (both when i was a child and now) and none of them only got coal. in fact, they were the kids who always got the good stuff. or at least stuff i coveted. and then there were real sweet kids who had no money who got the shaft when it came to christmas presents. like the little kids in christmas vacation:

and then there's the tooth fairy. you don't do anything except lose a tooth which will naturally fall out anyway, and you end up w/ money. now. that's generally what i strive for in life (doing nothing and getting something), but the reality of life is: if you sit on your bottom hoping teeth are going to fall out, you aren't going to make any money. then you have kids like my brother who lost all his teeth in a 6 month period, so my mom forgot to put $$ under his pillow a few times. after the tooth fairy allegedly forgot for the 4th tooth in a row, my brother declared in our kitchen, "I hate that stupid tooth fairy!"

and now, w/ the easter bunny, i'm not even sure what that message is. Jesus is risen! here kids, let's rotten your teeth some more with some candy...fear not what destroys the body, but the one who can also destroy your soul. i guess i just don't get it. i looked forward more to valentine's day as a kid bc there were these heart-shaped lollies with mickey mouse on the front that my mom got us every year.

#3: Jesus.

now. don't get me wrong, i am not a fundamentalist crazy person. as much as i hate the easter bunny, i'm not even advocating we ought to get rid of these things. learning to believe in things beyond our reason is important for learning how to believe in Jesus. but it makes me sad when kids know so much about the legend of the easter bunny, but have never heard about Jesus. It makes me even sadder when that's true of adults. 

check out this article: easter bunnies suck

as the article says, "we are an easter people living in good friday." easter should be a time when we know how truly and deeply and fully God really loves us. yet we're still trying to earn that love...by being good enough for the easter bunny to come, or by providing the best easter basket and making the best casseroles and wearing the best easter outfit. we are marthas in the kitchen when we ought to be mary's on our knees. 

and so, on a more "serious" note, i pray that each of you might know the joy of the resurrection this week, even amidst dry ham, obnoxious family, way too much chocolate, and boring church services. Jesus is alive. and you are forgiven :)