#8: frank sinatra saves my christmas...

i had my first major christmas epiphany {note the ironic usage of the word "epiphany" re: christmas} today during a long run. i've blogged before about my love of running that really contains quite a bit of hate. essentially: my addiction to a runner's high. today, i was reminded yet again about how running is 90% mental. as my dear friend, jordan, once said:

i love running because it's up to you. you get to control where you go, how fast you go, how far you go. you can only run as far or as fast as you want to, as you believe you can. the moment you begin to criticize yourself or feel insecure, that's the moment you can't run any farther.

{ps. this quote may be entirely inaccurate. but you get the gist.}

the mental part of running has two parts for me. first, i need to be my own cheerleader. i have to sing incredibly cheesy elementary school motivational songs {we go for the gooooollllldddddd}. i have to remind myself of the wonderful feeling of my pants not being too tight or feeling limber and energized. i have to remind myself to enjoy the beauty of the sky or the smell of the grass as i run {much more difficult when certain really amazing humans decide to leave their doggy doo in the middle of the sidewalk}. second, i have to give myself realistic expectations. am i going to run 26 miles tomorrow? nooope {chuck testa}. am i going to run the entire way up that hella hill? that's a hella no. but i can give myself realistic goals.

my christmas journey is much like this.

i discovered that i've spent the last 10 years disliking christmas, so i don't know how to BE the person who likes christmas. i have to replace those cynical, craptastic thoughts with joyful ones, or they'll just keep coming back. and i'm not just sugar-coating a turd...no, flushing the turd and cleaning the toilet with comet. {yes, that's right. i can use toilet imagery to describe anything}.

ergo...i've decided that over the next couple weeks of advent, my blog will countdown 8 ways that i have learned to love christmas authentically. here's #8:

#8: frank sinatra, christmas trees, and elf romance

{my tongue swells up when i see you....}

so not only do i absolutely love the movie, elf, but i am literally obsessed with the part when buddy goes on a date with jovi. they have the world's best cup of coffee {this tastes just like a crappy cup of coffee}; they look at 85 christmas trees; they ice skate; they kiss; frank sinatra plays a beautiful tune. i love this scene not only because i love coffee and christmas lights and ice skating and kissing, but because this scene does for me what the last scene of the original grinch does for many people: it gives me a romantic sort of hope. and not just an ooey-gooey boyfriend-girlfriend romance. a kind of hope that seems wildly crazy; a kind of hope that makes the world stand still because you enjoy the day so much. the kind of joyful occurrence when you stop caring about all the little things that drag you down {how tight your pants feel, that sniffle in your nose, how tired you are, the 85 other things you need to do, a myriad of unspoken problems between you and the person/people you're with}, and you experience an unbridled joy in what you're doing.

that's the kind of joy i think we celebrate through shepherds and angels singing and wise men bringing gifts. maybe it's that honest-to-goodness, come as you are kind of joy that Jesus brings.

so when's the last time you spent some time with someone and really enjoyed it?
when's the last time you hoped without doubt, loved without fear?
i may not be able to ever erase doubts. i may not be able to change past christmas nightmares. i'll never feel the same way i did at age 6 about christmas. but i can hope. i can enjoy today.

i'll leave you with some frank:

{even when i'm old and gray, i'm going to feel the way i do today...}