#8: frank sinatra saves my christmas...

i had my first major christmas epiphany {note the ironic usage of the word "epiphany" re: christmas} today during a long run. i've blogged before about my love of running that really contains quite a bit of hate. essentially: my addiction to a runner's high. today, i was reminded yet again about how running is 90% mental. as my dear friend, jordan, once said:

i love running because it's up to you. you get to control where you go, how fast you go, how far you go. you can only run as far or as fast as you want to, as you believe you can. the moment you begin to criticize yourself or feel insecure, that's the moment you can't run any farther.

{ps. this quote may be entirely inaccurate. but you get the gist.}

the mental part of running has two parts for me. first, i need to be my own cheerleader. i have to sing incredibly cheesy elementary school motivational songs {we go for the gooooollllldddddd}. i have to remind myself of the wonderful feeling of my pants not being too tight or feeling limber and energized. i have to remind myself to enjoy the beauty of the sky or the smell of the grass as i run {much more difficult when certain really amazing humans decide to leave their doggy doo in the middle of the sidewalk}. second, i have to give myself realistic expectations. am i going to run 26 miles tomorrow? nooope {chuck testa}. am i going to run the entire way up that hella hill? that's a hella no. but i can give myself realistic goals.

my christmas journey is much like this.

i discovered that i've spent the last 10 years disliking christmas, so i don't know how to BE the person who likes christmas. i have to replace those cynical, craptastic thoughts with joyful ones, or they'll just keep coming back. and i'm not just sugar-coating a turd...no, flushing the turd and cleaning the toilet with comet. {yes, that's right. i can use toilet imagery to describe anything}.

ergo...i've decided that over the next couple weeks of advent, my blog will countdown 8 ways that i have learned to love christmas authentically. here's #8:

#8: frank sinatra, christmas trees, and elf romance

{my tongue swells up when i see you....}

so not only do i absolutely love the movie, elf, but i am literally obsessed with the part when buddy goes on a date with jovi. they have the world's best cup of coffee {this tastes just like a crappy cup of coffee}; they look at 85 christmas trees; they ice skate; they kiss; frank sinatra plays a beautiful tune. i love this scene not only because i love coffee and christmas lights and ice skating and kissing, but because this scene does for me what the last scene of the original grinch does for many people: it gives me a romantic sort of hope. and not just an ooey-gooey boyfriend-girlfriend romance. a kind of hope that seems wildly crazy; a kind of hope that makes the world stand still because you enjoy the day so much. the kind of joyful occurrence when you stop caring about all the little things that drag you down {how tight your pants feel, that sniffle in your nose, how tired you are, the 85 other things you need to do, a myriad of unspoken problems between you and the person/people you're with}, and you experience an unbridled joy in what you're doing.

that's the kind of joy i think we celebrate through shepherds and angels singing and wise men bringing gifts. maybe it's that honest-to-goodness, come as you are kind of joy that Jesus brings.

so when's the last time you spent some time with someone and really enjoyed it?
when's the last time you hoped without doubt, loved without fear?
i may not be able to ever erase doubts. i may not be able to change past christmas nightmares. i'll never feel the same way i did at age 6 about christmas. but i can hope. i can enjoy today.

i'll leave you with some frank:

{even when i'm old and gray, i'm going to feel the way i do today...}

a cotton-headed ninny-mudgins in recovery

for many people, the months of november and december serve as a magic-filled, sparkly time to prepare for this mystical time of christmas, when families come together, cheeks are constantly rosy, and calories magically don't count. the weeks leading up to christmas display the ultimate paradox of warm fuzzy feelings in the darkest, coldest time of the year. we live into fluffy ideals of world peace, love, and hope. and yet, for most people, neither a big fat man in a red suit bringing perfectly wrapped gifts nor a glistening babe sucking his thumb in a manger bring any kind of peace or warm fuzzy feeling. for many people, christmas means anxiety...fear...inadequacy...grief. for me, the greatest image of christmas is the one put out at the beginning of frosty the snowman: the first christmas snow. that first blanket of snow that covers up all the dead things of november and winter, all the things that are ugly and starving and sleeping but that will be revealed in the warming of spring.


christmas is like eating a whole lot of cookie dough...it seems like such a good idea at the time.

{i'm havin' a food baby...}

so, typically christmas makes me bitter and cynical. i desire honesty rather than fluffy imaginary happiness. this year, i'm not willing to be pissed for the next 2 months; i'm also unwilling to give up authenticity in order to feel a momentary sense of happiness {even if i am willing to eat lots of cookie dough...}. so for this christmas season, i am going to change my christmas reality and i am going to use this blog to work through some of those things about christmas and about my own christmas experience that make me want to create a santa claus pinata and go to town with a baseball bat...

{i seez a santa. nom nom nom.}

so for this blog, i offer up 8 things that make me want to scream like macaulay culkin in home alone:

{aaaahhhhh}

8. winter is not ugly. it's fugly.

winter may look like a magical wonderland in places like colorado:

but in western pa, winter is like the red-headed stepchild of the seasons: forgotten, dead, and abandoned. our lack of continual sunshine is depressing and ugly. most christmases end up being gloomy, overcast skies over frozen, leafless grounds:

{curse you, photographers, who make this hideous day look breathtaking....}

7. it's so expensive

i don't think i need to even go into the financial burden of the christmas season on a grad student.

but i think the problem lies less in the fact that i don't have the money i'd like to spend on the people i love. it's more about the sense of obligation. 

6. family woes

i'm not gonna say that my family is quite to the point of griswold family christmas 

{look around you, helen! we're on the threshold of hell!}

...that said, family gatherings often do not end well in my household. there's something about the mix of pressure to not spill a giant meatball on your lap (a recent accomplishment of mine) and not to talk about religion and politics and sex and drugs and rock and roll and ..... so wait, what do we talk about?? i love my family. i hate gathering my family together in a way that makes some people feel powerful (the ones who provide food and can afford gifts) and others feel weak (those who accept the charity of others). 

5. my allergy to pine trees

despite my lifelong allergy to evergreen trees, my father has insisted on having a live tree in the house every single year. i consistently dread the month during which going into my parent's living room becomes a complete blur of sniffles and icky-ness. 

4. some terrible christmas songs

not all carols are bad. i will list a few that i think suck:

santa baby

grandma got run over by a reindeer

i saw mommy kissing santa claus

all i want for christmas is my two front teeth

surfin santa

the 3rd verse of we wish you a merry christmas

the alvin and the chipmunks christmas song

...

3. the creepy santa at the mall

i have already been criticized for my dislike of santa in a previous post, and i hope in the next few weeks to break down my walls of bitterness and rebuild my inner child's love of santa claus. but no matter what, i find a stranger dressing up and sitting at the mall and taking pictures with your kids is incredibly creepy.

{ho. ho. ho. you'll shoot your eye out kid!}

2. the combination of red and green

as a lover of art and color and fashion, the combination of red and green makes me want to vomit.

the end.

1. the same old boring story

even the jesus narrative sort of gets boring after the 24th time of hearing it. there's nothing fresh, nothing exciting, nothing thrilling about the story. i no longer have that wide-eyed, child-like joy at hearing the stories of christmas. i'm the grown up in the polar express. i'm the little girl in miracle on 34th street. i'm the curmugeonly father in elf.

the question is, how do i rediscover my joy for christmas? how do i stop investing in a christmas feeling and start giving into the joy of christmas?

i guess we'll find out over the next few blog posts...