For those of you who may not know, the Pittsburgh Pirates are on the cusp of doing something they haven't done for 20 years:
complete a season with at least an even number of wins and losses
(aka at .500)
This is actually an understatement. The Pirates currently sit #1 in the NL East, with a record of 80 wins and 57 losses, only 2 wins away from guaranteeing a "winning" season. With only a month of playing time (25 games) left to play in the regular season, a COMPLETE collapse resulting in a losing season seems a statistical improbability. And they look good too, not like in past years.
Additionally, the Pirates boasted 5 All-Stars this year, the most since 1972. This includes the fiery, sassy, badass: Mr. A.J. Burnett:
(source)
{#STFD}
Who always puts on a good show. PNC Park, where the Pirates play, is in my opinion, the most beautiful ballpark in the world. Every seat is a good seat; it boasts Pittsburgh favorites like Primanti Bros and Potato Patch fries, and one of the greatest skyline shots in the world:
And yet....
Every single time we go to the game, we are confronted with inconsiderate people who act like they are at a bad Kennywood show instead of a professional sporting event. Believe me, I get cynicism about a team who has been nothing but heart-crushing for the past 20 years. But have some respect for the people who paid $20 (sometimes more) to sit in this seat. Here are my top 5 Rules of Etiquette for Watching a Pirate Game.
#5: Sit the Fart Down....
So we all know that when AJ actually said this iconic phrase, he did not use the word "fart," but another expletive (full story here); however, let's keep this PG, kids.
Point being:
You should not be standing in an aisle.
You should not be running a mile.
You should not get food during a batter.
You should not make an offensive clatter.
You should not get up any time you want.
You should not get food during a bunt.
You should not stand here or there.
You should not stand anywhere.
(and if you do...)
I do not like you, Sam I am. I do not like your face...Hulk Slam!!!!
(source)
It is only appropriate to enter and exit the seating area (ESPECIALLY if you have to ask someone to move for you) during an inning break, or during a break between batters. If an action is going on on the field, it is not appropriate to stand in people's way.
So just remember, sit the fart down.
#4: Please keep your body parts to yourself.
As much as I love your stinky foot lounging on the seat next to my face, and your sweaty thigh pressed against mine because you cannot (for some unknown reason) keep your legs together, I think I'll pass the next time I sit in the park.
#3: All children should have a positive baseball outing experience.
What I mean by that is:
teach your children about baseball, so that they do not consistently whine, run around, cause you to violate #5, cause you to violate #4, or generally cause the people around you to begin fervently praying that God never blesses them with children...
I think we all know the kids I'm talking about...
{note: I'm not asking you to not bring your children. I'm just asking that you parent your children, so that they have an appreciation for the privilege of watching a professional sporting event in person.}
#2: If you're going to talk shop, know your facts.
Here are some fun phrases I have heard at the ball park:
"Dude, Marte is the worst right fielder we've ever had."
{er...he plays left field...and he's pretty dang good}
"You can only buy Budweiser at this park. I refuse to pay $10 for cheap beer."
{er...actually you could go to the craft brew window and pay more money for your pretentious beer. Or you could just drink soda and shut up.}
"Neil Walker isn't really from Pittsburgh. He's from Seneca Valley."
{er...no... Nice try.}
"Clint Barmes is one of the best players in the league, he's so well-rounded."
{Well...to be fair this is sort of turning out to be true. At the time, though, Clint was hitting at about .171. He was horrendous.}
And so on and so forth. Moral of the story: pay some dang attention.
#1: Yinz need to show yer Pirates the same loyalty yinz show the Pens and the Stillers.
I know it's hard. But that's the beauty of our city.
Pittsburgh is one of the most unique places in the world because of our unbridled sense of loyalty. Even churches rearrange schedules out of reverance for the mighty Steelers, and entire streets shut down for outdoor viewing of the Mighty Guins. Native Pittsburghers have shown the Pitt Panthers loyalty in football and basketball, despite years of disappointing seasons. And Penn State fans have this totally blind loyalty to JoePa and the football legacy in spite of a wide variety of ills.
We have rooted for our Steelers through the mistakes of Neil O'Donnell, Kordell Stewart, and even Big Ben. We have cheered on the Penguins through losing seasons. We rearrange our schedules, host elaborate parties with inflatable lawn ornaments, and cling inexplicably to traditions and superstitions of years gone by for our teams. And why?
Because we believe in our city.
We believe in hard work and perseverance in adversity. We believe in the beauty of our three rivers, in the greatness of small business, and in the value of a neighborhood. We believe in cheap beer and greasy food. We believe in 8 million churches for 8 million causes under the same God. We are a city of hope more than a city of champions, and it is time we reclaimed that.
Believing in the Pirates is a heavy task. After all, many grown adults cannot remember a winning season. But this is nothing a Primanti's Sandwich and a cold IC Light can't both inspire {before the game, when hope and energy are high} and cure {after the game, when disappointment is great and we need to eat our feelings}.
So, with that, I'm just going to leave this here...
{I believe}
{did you know the original was about the Pittsburgh Pirates? It was fate.}
