It's been a while since my last post. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. Among many things, bed bugs and their vicious tirade on my apartment have kept me from the computer, leaving me penniless, homeless (for one month), and inspiration-less. Until now. For those of you who have suffered through bed bugs and those of you who will someday, I give you my top 10 lessons taught to me by these appalling creatures.
#10: I am not a flood victim. Stop panicking.
I was on a mission trip to help flood victims when I got the phone call from my roommate about the bugs. The phone conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello?
{subtext: this better be important. But not so important that it ruins my day.}
Roomie: Oh hey, so....we have bed bugs.
{subtext: maybe if I say it really fast, she won't understand and get angry.}
Me: What?
{subtext: You sick shmuck, you. This is a terrible joke.}
Roomie: Yeeaaah, we found them in my bedroom. (silent moment) It's bad. The exterminator comes today.
{subtext: How do I tell her that it's complete and utter chaos here?}
Me: Okay, well keep me posted on what he says.
{Nooooo!!! My life is over!!!!}
After learning about getting rid of bed bugs, I convinced myself quickly that all of my worldly possessions would be going to the trash. I wallowed for about a week in my own misery, sounding like a combination of Eeyore, Green Day, and Tanya Harding.
{source}
{waaaaaaaahhhhhhh, my skate is untied!!!!}
As I was listening to my youth group students {shameless plug} talk about their mission trip experience, I thought to myself: Lindsay, you are not a flood victim. Your stuff is not gone it is just contaminated by bugs and bug poop. Get your OCD on and get it done. And so I did.
#9: I am the real Monica Geller.
Many clean freaks out there think they can be Monica from Friends, but y'all ain't got nothin on me. I went completely ape-shizzle on that apartment and all of my things. Anything that could be soaked in hot water or bleached got dunked into the boiling cauldron of bed bug hell. Anything that could be cleaned with alcohol swabs got sprayed down with 91% isopropyl {mmm, yeah, gotta love it}. Anything that could be washed in the washer got washed and dried twice then ironed and placed in vacuum sealed bags. RAwr! Cleaning Hulk SMASH!!!
#8: Clothing Piles are terrifying....
So apparently the Bed Bugs like things that smell like you. And I, genius as I am, had taken all my dirty laundry out and sorted them, so that when I returned from my mission trip, I could do all my laundry at once. Ergo, I found many adult (albeit dead) bed bugs in my piles of clothes (which resulted in a potential 3rd trip through the washer and dryer). There will be no more clothing piles on the floor for me.
{Note the clear floor in my bedroom...this is not a typical situation}
{Even a made bed is essential. Shark Week Shark agrees.}
{Laundry piled in a delightful laundry basket that has been wiped down with Clorox wipes. Gotta love that lemon fresh scent...}
#7: Straight-up Isopropyl Alcohol is not an all-purpose cleaning supply.
Yeah, Roomie and I sprayed the living daylights out of our belongings with 91% Isopropyl Alcohol. It was like the time my family had a groundhog living underneath the shed out back of our house. He would poop right next to the pool making it hard to swim. My mom would sit on the pool deck with a super soaker (the kind with the backpack water supply) for the little pooper to come out of his hole. Then she would spray him with enough water pressure to launch him to downtown Pittsburgh. Yep, that's essentially the treatment our belongings got when the Rooms and I pulled out the big guns.
But not all things are meant to go through that. Cheap jewelry (the majority of which is from the Charlotte Russe clearance rack) for example, just doesn't make it.
{Of course, the death of this piece is a blessing. It is SO 2007!}
#6: I have finally found a reason for the existence of thousand-leggers.
Apparently, these creepy crawly...eeeeekkk....things have a purpose in life. They flipping eat bed bugs. Who knew? That's why when one was dancing around in my shower the other day, I went ahead and did a little dance along with it. Sure, his was probably filled fear of the drain, and mine was definitely filled with fear of thousands of little creepy legs, but hey, we did our dance of fear together! And I didn't even kill him intentionally {me picking up the shower cleaning cup and pouring water over his head was entirely incidental}. Er, it's a work in progress...
{Ugh. So freaking creepy.}
#5: When you buy a queen-sized memory foam mattress pad, the manufacturers are liars...
So, through this whole ordeal, I had to get a ridiculous mattress cover (made of industrial polyester...or steal-plated armor, might as well be) that makes me sweat. And quite frankly, just considering laying on that same mattress, cover or no cover, freaks me the crap out. It's almost 2 months since we found them, and I am still waking up in the night itching. At any rate, I decided it would be a totally genius idea to put a memory foam mattress pad between me and the mattress. They are bed bug resistant, they'll make my mattress super comfy, and they'll make me feel better.
I raced home from good ol' Target, ripped open the box, and pulled out the mattress pad. As I slapped it onto my bed, I suddenly felt like Ralphie from A Christmas Story when he opens up the bunny pajamas on Christmas morning:
{source}
{he's a pink nightmare!!!}
The mattress pad takes up about 1/3 of the bed. It's also too long for a queen sized bed. What the label should have said was: "This pad is made for queen sized beds, but only if your queen sized bed is about the same size as an extra long twin size bed."
#4: Staying with friends = bad eating habits
Now, I like to think of myself as a good eater. Some may disagree. I eat a wide variety of foods, including complete junk {kraft macaroni!!}, foods I attempt to convince everyone are healthy but are really not {Freschetta oven pizza, only 1400 calories!}, and foods that actually are healthy {um...the celery that comes with my wings??}. At any rate, staying with friends means not having a whole lot of space to store food. And when I had bed bugs, I couldn't exactly stay in the pesticide and bug infested apartment. So I stayed with friends. And I ate shamelessly some of my favorite foods: spaghetti, mac n cheese, wings, pizza.........
I enjoyed it, but for some reason my waistband did not.
#3: I have way too many clothes.
This is a known fact to most people. My closet is literally overflowing (though it is also color-coded and organized by style....). And yet I am incapable of getting rid of clothes. Here is the list of clothing items I got rid of:
- One pair of leggings (that had a hole the size of Texas)
- 4 wool sweaters (one of which I've had since 6th grade)
- 2 unmatched socks (and only because my toes stuck out of the holes)
- One nightgown (which I never liked but kept because my mom would have her feelings hurt)
Sign me up for hoarders....
{source}
#2: Essentially all bad things that have occurred this summer can be blamed on bed bugs.
I'll give you a few examples:
Boyfriend: Why are you crying today?
Me: Because I have bed bugs.
...
Mom: Why didn't you wash your hair today?
Me: Because I have bed bugs.
...
Me: (hysterically crying) I don't have any friends. My life is hell.
Boyfriend: That's not true. Why do you think that?
Me: Because I have bed bugs.
You see? These are perfectly legit.
#1: Bed bugs suck.
No matter how much I try to look on the bright side or be a Christian or do the right thing, those little.......fart-for-brains, hooligan, scummy, toe-licking, blood sucking, crumby, blasted.....BUGS are disgusting little vampires sleeping in your bed. They are not fun and not easy to get rid of.
But hey, I'm here. I'm alive. And they inspired me to return to blogging!! {I still hate those motherless twits}
