the other day i was driving to work and the kiss morning freak show was talking about this asinine new dance move to replace the dougie called "the swat."
i had several thoughts (in this order):
1. crap, a new dance move? no one has even "taught me how to dougie" yet.
2. unless the dougie involves an imitation of doug funny from nickelodeon in the 90s, the dance probably sucks.
3. i've got to see this video.
4. i don't care how lame this dance move is, i'm pulling it out next chance i get.
the video was fantastically, epically terrible:
{swat it like a beeeeeeeee}
and it inspired me to come up with some of my own dance moves (or resurrect ghosts of dance moves past)...
raise da roof
{da roof da roof da roof is on fiiiirrrreee}
running man
once upon a time in 6th grade, this was my go-to dance move. now, i just look like a complete fool.
{seriously, how hot is this?!?! why am i single?}
seriously dude. find another move.
this video is a combination of the following: what i like to call "crazy eyes" {dancer thinks: if my eyes look crazy enough, people will think i am some kind of innovative dance genius}, what i like to call the "libra dance" {dancer weighs hands like the scales of justice}, and the worst dance move of all time that people perpetually pull out thinking they look cool. you know what i'm talking about.
slow fist pump
always appropriate for overly emotional songs. what i like about my dancing here is that it also exemplifies "team serious" dancers. their faces say, "i stubbornly refuse to have fun dancing to this song. this music is so serious, how can you possibly laugh."
telephone
yeah, that's right. i'm talkin' on my phone, it's just coincidental that the song is talking about telephones too.
that girl be craaaazzzzyyy
many of you might be thinking i've lost my mind by this point. well, i've even provided a dance for you.
what, what?!?!
some dance moves are so cool you just say, "what, what?!?!"
{sometimes you even say, "what, what?!?!" to yourself while you're dancing. it's because your so crazy.}
air guitar
air guitar is acceptable in the following situations: 1. when rocking out ridonkulously to 80s hair metal. 2. during the riff in don't stop believin when there are no words. 3. at junior high youth group. 4. anytime jimi hendrix is playing.
air guitar is not acceptable when the guitar part is the repetition of 4 chords.
get ready for a hodown...
setting aside the fact that this outfit alone would make my mother smack me for looking too redneck, i absolutely love it when people try to do line dancing to non-country music. or (as in this case) country music that really doesn't have that folk-like beat.
{note: although i do not know how to line dance, i feel this is more than acceptable line-dancing skill}
dancing with myself
nothing says pathetic more than single girls dancing by themselves or with another girl at weddings, dances...cover-band concerts...seriously ladies, keep the imaginary boyfriends to the privacy of your own bedroom...
{you can really tell that i ate an entire box of pasta and 6 meatballs b4 shooting this video, as i hold my belly like it's going to hold back the gurgling going on in there...}
so gangsta, i'm so thug
i love it when people try to pretend they are from the city. this totally includes myself. i'm from the suburbs. i don't even know where compton is...
{but seriously, how badass do i look?!?}
i hate men
throw out a "girl-power" or "man-eater" song, and it's like a switch gets flipped in the mind of every woman. and we turn into these crazy people with attitudes and get these attitude dances going on.
here i have not only a dance which includes "talk to the hand" and the "z-snap," but i'm also wearing seriously the most attractive outfit ever. completely irresistable.
{mmmhmmm...all y'all men better earn the right to talk to me. whateva!!}
this song is my jam
this dance move is truly my go-to. you know when someone gets so into a song and they start mouthing all the lyrics but you realize pretty quickly they know about 2 phrases from the song; the rest of the words they are singing are completely off. yep. this is exactly that dance.
{in the cityyyyy, of shmomp, momp}
i'm too hot to actually dance
lots of girls pull this dance out. sometimes it's because they are self-conscious of their body image and think they'll look silly dancing. sometimes it's bc they think they are too cool to dance. sometimes it's bc the dress they are wearing is too tight to actually pull out dance moves. sometimes it's bc they really need to fart.
the keith mccarty dance
every since i was a small child, my father has had approximately 2 dance moves (really one bc they're the same weird move with different hand gestures). and since we were able to do the dance, my brother and i have been imitating him.
{what's necessary for this dance: a completely redneck song to dance to. save a horse ride a cowboy would also be acceptable. and anything by jimmy buffet.}
overdramatic singer
this is the universally known dance for "don't stop believin." you know when someone just gets so into the lyrics of a song...and they just abandon all sense of what's socially acceptable and what's not. i'm actually a huge fan of this dance move.
master of karate
much like the dayman and mac from it's always sunny in philadelphia, i too am a master of karate (and friendship for everyone). and i have witnessed far too often people who feel karate can be a substitute for dancing. i sometimes like to call this the "jackie chan dance."
and on that note, i'll leave you to think of your own dance moves. please share with me what you think are the best dance moves you know. and by best i mean most ridiculous.
